Since it’s been a while, I thought I would post a journal entry to convey my heart. God has been blowing me away, just in watching and waiting, growing and living. Grace astounds me…
March 10, 2012
I am amazed. Utterly left speechless by Grace.Grace that enables us to speak truth confidently; grace that opened my eyes to that truth when they were so darkened; grace enabled me to receive that truth and beckoned me to die; grace to let go of defenses, hurts, stubborness and the need to “be right”; grace to die even if in such pain to my pride. Grace then gathered me to Him, bound my union even more so securely as He began to untangle all that had me bound. In dying, I was set free. In dying, I surrendered the very little I had. In dying I did not just say, “I want You more, no matter the cost to me”. In dying I physically, mentally, emotionally did it – surrendered it, laid it all out there – all of me with all the faults, fears, insecurities and failures. Dead.
It is finished.
His grace accompanied me in my death, for He laid down not just with me, but He laid down first. HE who was spotless, sinless, offenseless but rather perfect and almighty surrendered first. So then, my death is always preveniently surrounded by His own grace of surrender. I am not falling into nothingness when I lay my life down; I fall into His grace, His arms, His love – for He is already there, waiting. My death is not loss then, but rather gain – I gain even more back then the very value I placed on my own life. I gain Jesus. All of Him or at least all that this earthen vessel can contain for this moment. And there is a war before that dying. There is a self agony and confusion in my life, as taunts, threats, insults and even flattery (of the worst) may surround me. But I remember these very same sort accompanied Jesus before He surrendered it all in that garden, on that cross.
In so dying into God’s grace, He has raised me with the fairest riches of all – NEW LIFE! I was resurrected into a closer union than before and from this nearer union, I can hear His Spirit more clearly thus receiving wisdom and peace. The immediacy of His love rushes in along with His unending affections. In this resurrected life, He crowns me with beauty, gladness, joy and songs of praise!
I am learning as time goes on, the pruning, refining and my choosing to die always prepares the way for me to receive the most wonderful gifts from Him. It is then good to bow and lay down this life again and again, for it is all less about me and more about knowing Him.
“For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh.”
2 Corinthians 4:11